


Realization

by dessertmeltdown



Category: Firefly
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-21
Updated: 2012-01-21
Packaged: 2017-10-29 21:20:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/324287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dessertmeltdown/pseuds/dessertmeltdown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon thinks there’s more to it than that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Realization

**Author's Note:**

> After ‘Safe’ and before ‘Our Mrs. Reynolds’
> 
> Chinese Translations: dong ma - understand?; chur ni-duh - screw you.; mei mei - little sister.
> 
>  _Simon: Why did you come back for us?  
>  Mal: You're on my crew.  
> Simon: But you don't even like me.  
> Mal: You're on my **crew**. Why are we still talking about this?_  
>  ~Safe

Simon was in bed thinking about the previous day’s events. He still wasn’t sure why the captain had gone back for River and himself but was almost certain that Mal’s answer of “you’re on my crew” wasn’t the full reason. There was something the way Mal had said it. Something, a tone, in his voice that Simon was certain said, “don’t push. This is all you’re getting.”

Simon wagered the captain didn’t want to reveal that he cared about what happened to River, maybe even him, after all this time.

“It’s not what you think.”

Simon shot up in bed when he heard the soft, quiet voice of his sister from across the room.

“River?”

“It’s **not** what you think.”

Simon watched her curiously as she walked across the room and knelt by his bed. This wasn’t the first time River had come into his room in the middle of the night, speaking what seemed to be nonsense. He was sure it wasn’t really nonsense, that there was some meaning behind everything River said, but he’d long ago decided that if he tried to find the meaning behind it all, he would never think of anything else.

River studied her brother before pressing him back down onto the bed and crawling in next to him.

“He can’t say. Doesn’t want to.”

“Who can’t say?”

“Him,” River said as if it was the most obvious thing in the universe, causing Simon to laugh.

“Who is he?”

“Can’t say. It’s not my place.”

“River, I don’t know what you’re saying.”

“You will know.”

Simon knew she wouldn’t say anymore, so he didn’t ask any more questions. He didn’t know what it was about this, but he felt like he needed to know what she was talking about. It seemed important.

\-----

Four days later Mal, Jayne and Zoe came back from a particularly hard job. Jayne, fortunately, didn’t have much more than a scratch, which meant that Simon didn’t need long to patch him up. Zoe was only a little worse. Mal, however, was more beaten up than usual and had a very nasty stab on his leg.

“I know you are probably much too stubborn to pay any mind to what I say, but you shouldn’t walk on this leg for at least a couple of days.”

“Ain’t no way that’s gonna happen, doc. Can’t do my captainy duties if I’m on my back in bed.”

Mal winced in pain as Simon finished patching up his leg.

“That’s kind of the point,” Simon said flatly as he began putting away his supplies.

“It ain’t happenin’.”

Malcolm Reynolds was nothing if not the most stubborn man in the universe.

“For the rest of the day then. As your doctor, I insist,” Simon paused, giving Mal a warning look, “I’ll drug you if necessary.”

“Unless you’re countin’ on getting thrown into the black, I’d advise against that.”

“Cap’n givin’ you trouble in here, Doc?” Kaylee popped her head into the small infirmary.

Simon began looking through his medic bag as she walked over to the table Mal was lying down on.

“He’s being stubborn, as always.”

“Nothin’ new there, I reckon. He ain’t good about takin’ orders, our captain.”

“So I’ve noticed,” Simon pulled a small bottle of liquid and a syringe out off his bag.

“You best be lookin’ to use that needle on yourself.”

“Are you going to stay off that leg?”

“You’re threatenin’ me in my own boat. Ain’t many people could who could get away with that.”

“You should do what the doc says, captain. He’s real good at his job” Kaylee smiled over at Simon and then quickly looked away.

“Ain’t no one gonna tell me what to do in my boat.”

“I’m sorry. I was under the impression that the reason I was here was so that I could take care of you and the rest of the crew.”

“Ain’t sayin’ you can’t do your job. Just that you ain’t here to tell me what to do.”

Simon put the needle into the top of the bottle and drew out the liquid, paying no mind to what Mal was saying. It wasn’t that he didn’t care. It was more that he didn’t think Mal would actually do anything to him.

“Kaylee, you might want to leave,” he paused, “this isn’t going to be pretty.”

Simon walked over to the table.

“Oh, and tell Zoe the captain will be out for at least ten hours.”

Kaylee nodded and walked out of the room.

“Stick me with that needle, Doc, and you will regret it. Dong ma?” Mal said as forcefully as he could manage.

“Uh-huh.”

Simon put the needle into Mal’s arm, despite the captain’s warning. The captain would thank him when he could still walk in the morning.

“Chur ni-duh.”

And Mal was asleep.

\-----

Simon stayed in the infirmary alone watching Mal, until Inara stopped by later that night.

“Kaylee says he put up quite a fight.”

Simon looked up at her as she moved closer to the table. She was now standing over Mal, looking down at him.

“He tried to.”

“I can imagine he wasn’t very happy when you put him under.”

“No, but it was either this,” he nodded at the sleeping man on the table, “or strap him to the bed, and this was much easier.”

“I believe you. Mal wouldn’t take very well to being strapped down.”

“He didn’t take very well to this, but it was the only option, given how incredibly stubborn he is.”

“Just be sure to let us know when he’s close to waking up. I’m sure no one wants to be around for it. He’s likely to not be in the best of moods.”

“Of course.”

Inara looked down at again before looking up at Simon.

“If you’d like to get some rest, I could stay with him for a while. I’m sure he’s less annoying when he’s like this.”

“He’s my patient. I can handle it.”

“Are you sure? You might need some sleep to prepare for the stern talking he’s sure to give you in the morning,” Inara joked.

“I suppose you may be right about that.”

“I usually am.”

\-----

Simon left Inara with strict instructions on what to do if Mal woke up. It wasn’t likely that he would, given the dosage Simon gave him, but it was best to be careful. People were affected by medications differently. He walked into his room to find River sitting on his bed.

“You haven’t figured it out.”

Simone gave her a curious look. Since four nights ago, she’d made a few random comments that were sure related to the conversation they’d had, but he was mostly trying not to let them take over his thoughts. He focused on his job, helping the rest of the crew. It was much better than letting something that might not even matter in the long run take over his mind.

She continued looking at him, and he couldn’t take the curiosity anymore.

“Figured out what?”

She shook her head.

“Can’t say.”

“How am I supposed to figure it out If I don’t know what it is, mei mei?” Simon asked her gently, sitting down on the bed.

“It’s not my place!”

River was suddenly forceful. She jumped off of the bed and walked to the middle of the room. After a moment, she looked back at Simon and gave him a sympathetic look. She then looked back toward the door and began to speak quietly.

“He’s alone.”

“Who’s alone, River?”

She turned back around to her brother and frowned.

“He doesn’t think it matters. Thinks he can do it alone. But he can’t. No one can.”

“Do what alone?”

“Live,” she paused, “You have to do something, Simon.”

“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who you’re talking about.”

“Yes you do.”

\-----

“Simon?”

Simon opened his eyes to see Kaylee standing over him, smiling.

“Kaylee?”

“Inara sent me to come get ya.”

“Is the captain awake?”

“Not yet, but you been out for a while now.”

That wasn’t necessarily true, but he didn’t feel like telling Kaylee that he’d been kept awake by River telling him about someone he was supposed to help. How he’d spent at least an hour and a half, maybe longer, trying to figure out who she was talking to him about and how he was supposed to help them and why she refused to tell him if she knew.

Instead he gave her a nod and pushed himself up from the bed.

“Thank you, Kaylee. Would you tell Inara that I’ll be there in just a minute?”

“Sure thing, Doc,” Kaylee said, cheerfully before she stepped out of the room.

\-----

Simon was left alone with Mal once again, after letting Inara go back to her shuttle to rest. The captain was still sleeping, and Simon wagered he would be for at least a few more hours. He could probably have just left Mal alone to rest, but if he woke up, he would be wanting someone to complain at, and Simon would rather him not search out the rest of the crew.

Zoe had come by once, just after Inara left to see how the captain was doing, and Kaylee had come by for about half an hour to keep Simon company. Now the rest of the crew was asleep and Simon was starting to wish he was as well, but he knew this wasn’t even the worst situation he’d been in as a doctor.

Watching over the captain, who was currently still asleep, was much easier than dealing with some of the patients he’d had. Though, he supposed it wouldn’t be quite as easy when Mal woke up. He would just have to deal with that when the time came.

For now, he was stuck in the infirmary with the sleeping captain and nothing to busy himself with. This meant his mind drifted back to his earlier conversations with River that had ended in nothing but confusion and more curiosity than he knew what to do with.

He usually didn’t let himself dwell this long on the things she said. They either started to make sense at some point or they didn’t. Either way, since Simon had rescued her, she’d done this too much for him to dwell on things. But there was something about this particular instance that wouldn’t allow his mind to let go, so that’s where his thoughts drifted.

He must have thought about it for longer than he intended because he was so lost in thought he didn’t realize how much time had passed until he heard a loud groan coming from the table beside him.

“What the…” he opened his eyes and looked up at Simon, “You best be glad I don’t throw you off this boat.”

His voice was barely a whisper and the words came out as almost a croak, rather than actual words.

“You couldn’t do that right now if you wanted to.”

“I s’pose not, but I could call Jayne in here and have him do it. Reckon he would have no problem there.”

“I guess you could,” Simon knew the captain wasn’t serious.

Mal tried to push himself up off the table, but he couldn’t manage to do more than lift his head.

“Don’t try to get up yet. You’re limbs probably aren’t fully awake yet. It will be a few minutes before you can even sit up. Probably an hour or so before it’s okay for you to walk around.”

“What the gorram hell did you give me?”

“Standard tranquilizer. A strong dose though. I figured it was best to put you out as long as possible, to ensure that you didn’t try to make a run for it.”

“You don’t knock me out against my will ever again, drugs or otherwise. This is my boat.”

“And I’m your medic. I did what I thought best. That’s my job.”

“Your job, which by the by you’re lucky you still have right now, is to do whatever I tell you to do.”

“If I only did everything you told me to do, especially where you’re concerned, I would never be able to treat you. So with all due respect, Captain, I have to ask that when you’re my patient, you let me do my job as I see fit.”

Simon knew that if Mal was in a position to do so, he would have gotten in his face at that moment, but he wasn’t. For the moment, he couldn’t get up at all, so he had no choice but to listen to what the doctor had to say.

Simon was sure he would pay for this later.

“You don’t tell me how to run this ship.”

“I’m not telling you how to run the ship, sir. What I’m doing, is telling you that if you feel the need to tell me how to do my job, there is no way that I can do it well, and I was under the impression that you wanted me to do a good job. Or would you rather I allow you and the crew to do more harm when they’re hurt than actually attempting to help? Because if that’s what you want, I could do that too.”

Mal didn’t say anything else. Simon assumed that meant he’d won, at least until the next time he was forced to knock Mal out for his own good.

\-----

“I let you get away with that you pulled, knockin’ me out yesterday, but that’s it. You ain’t tellin’ me what to do now. I’m officially out of your care.”

Mal was finally able to sit up on the bench in the infirmary. He was insistent that this was cause to let him out of bed and back to his regular duties. He was telling Simon, once again, that it was not the doctor’s place to tell the ship’s captain what to do. This seemed to be becoming routine with them.

“Your leg isn’t healed, which means you are in no position to be running about the ship.”

“I feel fine,” Mal ground out, “Now, are you gonna get outta my way or am I gonna call Jayne in here to move you?”

Simon was ready to give up. He imagined the captain knew exactly what he was doing, but at this point he didn’t care anymore. He was willing to let Mal do whatever he wanted. He was, by far, the most difficult patient Simon had ever seen as a doctor.

“Okay,” he stepped away from the table, “go. Just…be careful. I’m not fixing it again.”

Mal looked satisfied as he stepped off the table with his good leg. He swung the injured one off the table, and Simon saw him wince in pain when he put weight on it but didn’t say anything. Best to let Mal have his pride. It would be easier for everyone, Simon imagined.

\-----

“I ain’t talkin’ about this Kaylee. It ain’t up for debate.”

Mal was cornered by his mechanic not long after he’d left the infirmary. He was starting to think lying on his back with the doctor watching over him would have been easier than this, but he’d made his decision.

“But Simon says your le-”

“Kaylee!” Mal was forceful, “Now, I don’t care what the doctor says. I been worse off, with no medic to speak of, and we ain’t havin’ this conversation.”

Kaylee looked disappointed but knew enough about the captain to know that it was best not to argue. He wasn’t going to budge.

“Don’t you have an engine to look after?”

“Yes, cap’n. On my way there now,” she turned around and muttered to herself, “try to show a little concern and he bites your head off.”

Mal continued to his quarters, limping and trying not to put too much weight on the leg that, gorram, he was not going to admit did not feel pleasant.

\-----

 

 

“I see you let Mal think he won this one.”

Simon looked up to see Inara standing in the doorway of this room.

“It was easier than continuing to argue for the rest of the day,” he paused, “Has he always been this stubborn?”

Inara took the reply as an invitation and entered the room.

“As long as I’ve known him, yes. He has been. It doesn’t seem that will change any time soon either. He’s very set in his ways.”

“I suppose I should probably get used to it.”

“If you plan on sticking around, I would suggest that.”

Truthfully, Simon hadn’t given much thought either way about how long he planned to be on Serenity. Until about four days ago he was certain it was only a temporary home--if one could call it a home. He was staying because it was the only protection against The Alliance for his sister and taking care of her was the most important thing he had to do. He had no choice but to stay if he wanted to keep River safe. He hadn’t even thought about what the ship was to him, other than a temporary sanctuary. He just assumed there would eventually come a day where he and River were no longer welcome and were forced to make other arrangements.

And then Mal came for them when they were kidnapped, and Simon started to think maybe there was a place for him on Serenity after all. They obviously weren’t causing enough grief that the captain took the first opportunity to get rid of them. Leave them alone to be burned alive. He even seemed to want them there.

“Simon?”

He shook his head at Inara’s voice and snapped back into the present.

“I apologize. I was just…thinking.”

“It’s quite alright,” she paused, “do you? Plan on staying, I mean.”

“For now, yes. Obviously given my situation, what with River and The Alliance, it’s hard to say. Right now, however, I can’t imagine being anywhere else.”

“That’s good,” Inara smiled at him softly, “because I think the captain would reach a new level of irritability if you decided to leave.”

She gave him a nod before turning to walk out of the room, leave Simon to wonder exactly what he meant by that.

\-----

Mal walked into the dining hall with Jayne trailing behind him, talking about Simon and River.

“Ain’t I been tryin’ to tell you he ain’t worth havin’ around? Just causes trouble. And his crazy sister ain’t no better. Them two are gonna end up causin’ us more trouble than they’re worth, Mal.”

“Jayne, we get to talkin’ about somebody who ain’t worth havin’ around, it ain’t gonna be the doctor. Way I remember was your mistake that got me injured in this first place.”

Mal assumed that would shut Jayne up, at least for now. Wouldn’t be long before Jayne found more reasons why the doctor and his sister should be off the ship, even if the next time he went back to talking about the money they could make off turning them in.

“Captain’s right, Jayne.”

Zoe walked into the dining hall with Wash trailing behind her. They sat down at the table.

“Ain’t no reason for the doctor to go. Though, he did cause a mite a trouble in these last few days.”

“And he’s just gonna cause more. Shoulda left him and the girl to get burned up, you ask me.”

“I didn’t ask you.”

That was the end of the conversation, and Jayne knew it. He sat down next to Zoe and didn’t say another word.

Kaylee and Inara came in to the dining hall next. Kaylee was giggling over something or another Inara had said, presumably about a client.”

“You’re kiddin’ me right? You gotta be kiddin’. No way he said them exact words!”

“Those exact words. It’s an experience I don’t plan on repeating.

Book came out of the cooking area as Kaylee took her seat. Jayne was the first to start grabbing at food and the others followed while Mal and Inara stood back and talked.

“I hear you’ve been giving Simon some trouble.”

“I been givin’ him trouble? Someone’s been tellin’ you tales. Way I recall he’s the one who knocked me unconscious for more than eight hours. Without my permission, mind.”

“I’m sure you were asking for it. He probably just got tired of hearing your voice,” Inara smiled her sweetest smile and moved past Mal to sit down with the others.

“Where is the Doc?” Kaylee ask.

“Probably somewhere seein’ to that crazy sister a his.”

Kaylee shot Jayne an annoyed look before putting down her fork.

“I’ll go find him.”

“You’re already sittin’. Ain’t no trouble. I’ll go tell the doctor and his sister supper’s ready,” Mal told her.

“You sure? Maybe you should be sittin’ down.”

“I’m sure. I don’t need to be sittin’ down.”

Kaylee shrugged as Mal turned around to leave the dining hall.

\-----

Jayne had been right, sort of. After Inara left, Simon went in search of River. He’d tried a new medication out that morning and wasn’t sure what the effect would be. He needed to get his mind off of what Inara said, so this seemed like the best thing to do. He’d looked in her room, among other various places in the ship, but he didn’t find her until he went back to his own room. She was lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

“River?”

“Simon,” she made no movement as she spoke, just continued looking up the ceiling, studying it.

“Are you alright?”

“Confused.”

“About what, mei mei?”

“Not me, dummy,” she laughed, “you.”

She sat up on the bed and began looking around the room, watching something. What it was, Simon wasn’t sure.

“It was true. What she said. You’re confused by it. By what you think it means. What you know it means.”

“And what did it mean?”

She laughed at him, stood up, and walked over to where was standing. When she got there, she stood on the tips of her toes to whisper in his ear.

“You don’t have to ask me, Simon. You know.”

She stepped back and walked over to the door and poked her head out.

“He’s in here.”

She looked back, giving him a wave and grin before leaving the room.

It wasn’t long after she left that Mal poked his head through the door and saw Simon standing in the middle of the floor looking confounded.

“Got a mechanic in the dining hall’s lookin’ for ya.”

Simon looked up at the other man, standing in his door way.

“Oh. Of course. I’ll be right there.”

“You okay there, Doc? You look a mite unsettled.”

“I’m fine.”

Simon didn’t even believe himself.

“Riiight,” he nodded slowly, “Your sister ain’t doin’ somethin’ crazy or some such, is she? Because Jayne’s on a rampage about you two again.”

“What? No. What does River have to do with anything?”

“I find you, in the middle of your room, which by the by, it’s a touch creepy that she knew I was lookin’ for you, seemin’ to be more confused than usual, which is saying something…and the first conclusion I make shouldn’t be that it’s causa somethin’ or another she said. With all your learnin’ you sure ain’t very logical.”

Simon stood for a moment, staring at Mal. Then the entire week hit him.

“Why did you come back for us?”

Mal blinked. He hadn’t been expecting a question like that, not that he had any reason to.

“I thought I made myself clear. You--”

“I’m on your crew. I know.”

“Then why ain’t you dropping it already?”

Simon stood, not saying anything, for a solid minute. Not sure what to say, thinking of what to say next.

“Because I think there’s more to it than that.”

“Is that what you think? Well, you best be gettin’ that thought outta your big doctor brain.”

“Why is that?”

“Because any other reason I might have to keep you here would be too troublesome to pay any mind to.”

“How so?”

“You don’t wanna be pushing this issue, doctor.”

Mal moved closer to Simon, rather than further back.

 _He doesn’t think it matters. Thinks he can do it alone._

“Why not?”

“Cause you might push me into sayin’ or doin’ something we both regret.”

“I’ll risk it.”

Mal and Simon were now inches apart, if that.

“I won’t.”

 _He’s alone._

Mal didn’t waste another second before turning around and making a move for the door.

 _You have to do something, Simon._

And Simon understood all of it.

He went directly after the captain, speeding up to keep him from leaving the room. Simon stepped in front of the door, blocking Mal.

“Move.”

“No.”

“That’s an order, Doc. And you’d do best to be followin’ my orders from now on.”

Simon stood, unmoving, in the same spot. Mal couldn’t get out of this. Simon wasn’t going to let him. Any other time, he would have given up. Let the captain have his way.

Not this time.

Simon moved, but not away from the door. He took a step closer to Mal, until he was less than an inch away. He then leaned in the rest of the way and pressed his own lips to Mal’s gently. Mal didn’t pull back, like Simon expected. Instead, he went with it, gripping Simon’s arm tightly.

Simon was the first to pull back from the kiss, much to Mal’s surprise.

“I’m--” he paused, “sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“I shouldn’t have done that.”

“You always apologize when you kiss somebody?”

Simon looked down at his feet, at the floor, at anything but Mal’s face. Mal let out a quiet laugh.

“You really are too proper, Doc. No need to be sorry. I didn’t stop you.”

“No, I guess you didn’t.”

Mal didn’t waste any more time with words. He took Simon’s wrist in his hand and pulled him in closer, kissing him again. This time he was leading the way, and he didn’t plan on apologizing when it was over.

Not that he planned on ending it any time soon.

\-----

“Do ya suppose that captain found Simon?”

Kaylee and the others were still sitting in the dining hall.

“Doctor probably knocked him out again. Wouldn’t be surprised if he were just doin’ it for his own amusement.”

“The captain found what he lost.”

The crew looked up from the table to see River walking toward them.

“Mal found Simon? Is that what you’re saying, River?” Inara asked.

River nodded.

“Found what he lost.”

“Do ya s’pose they’re coming to supper?” Kaylee looked behind River for any indication that Mal and Simon were behind her.

“Busy.”

“Well, that’s informative, ain’t it?” Jayne rolled his eyes at River’s answer.

“Whaddya suppose they’re doin’? Captain seemed fine before. Can’t be anything to do with his leg.”

River let out a quiet, somewhat disconcerting laugh.

“Can’t say. But they’ll both be better after.”

They all looked at her curiously before deciding it was better to just ask Simon and Mal about it later and going back to their meal.


End file.
